Why Are We Still Asking Survivors to Sit Beside Their Abusers?

coachinghope4u
Nov 25, 2025
3 min read

National Family Court Awareness Month

November is National Family Court Awareness Month

Every time I sit in a courtroom or mediation space, I’m reminded that the system built to “protect families” continues to demand that women like me perform with civility beside the men who attempted to destroy us.

We would never ask a rape victim to sit beside her rapist in the name of “peace.”

We would never tell a survivor of violence to “keep it together” for the sake of appearances.

And yet, that’s exactly what family courts do every single day to women who have been covertly abused, manipulated, deceived, and betrayed in the most intimate way possible.

The Silent Partner Mandate

I was told to be a “good co-parent.”

What that really meant was be silent.

Smile politely. Passively sit next to the man who lied for years.

Disregard the involuntary shaking I experience when I see him.

Pretend I’m not fighting the memories of what it felt like to be intimately deceived for years.

We don’t talk enough about that kind of violation: rape by proxy of deceit.

When consent is stolen through lies, when truth is hidden behind charm and manipulation, when a partner’s betrayal is so deep it rewrites your sense of safety, that is not merely deception. It is a profound assault on the mind, body, and soul.

And then, after the discovery, after the devastation, the court calls you back to sit beside him — as if trauma can coexist with civility.

As if “the best interest of the children” is more important than the truth of their mother's experience.

What the Court Never Says Out Loud

The system rewards silence.

If you tremble, you’re emotional.

If you set boundaries, you’re high-conflict.

If you cry, you’re unstable.

No one turns to the abuser and says,

“It makes sense she doesn’t want to sit beside you — you deceived her for years.”

Instead, the burden is placed on the woman to remain calm, to perform forgiveness before her body has even stopped flinching

and

To smile across the table from the man who violated her trust and then embrace the facade that the playing field is level.

It’s not.

The Cost of Forced Proximity

Every time the court asks me to sit in the same room with my ex-husband, I’m reminded that the system doesn’t understand trauma.

It confuses politeness with healing.

It mistakes suppression for acceptance.

And it continues to perpetuate the lie that a mother who refuses to engage with her abuser is the problem — not the man who caused the harm in the first place.

What True Accountability Should Look Like

If we cared about the well-being of children, we would start by protecting their mothers from further psychological harm.

We would train mediators and judges to recognize covert abuse and the trauma of sexual deceit.

We would provide alternative settings — separate rooms, online hearings, trauma-informed procedures — instead of forcing proximity to a perpetrator and calling it “progress.”

We would stop rewarding calm, narcissistic behaviors and punishing honest, genuine emotions.

This November, I’m Asking the System to Stop Looking Away

Family court cannot continue to demand silence from women who have already been silenced enough.

I refuse to be labeled uncooperative because I choose safety.

I refuse to be called angry because I refuse proximity.

And I refuse to teach my children that peace means pretending harm never happened.

If we are serious about protecting families, we must stop asking survivors to perform placidly beside their abusers.

Real peace begins with truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.

For support, resources, and trauma-informed divorce education, visit www.notacasserolewidow.com or www.coachinghope4u.com

National Family Court Awareness Month

November is National Family Court Awareness Month

Every time I sit in a courtroom or mediation space, I’m reminded that the system built to “protect families” continues to demand that women like me perform with civility beside the men who attempted to destroy us.

We would never ask a rape victim to sit beside her rapist in the name of “peace.”

We would never tell a survivor of violence to “keep it together” for the sake of appearances.

And yet, that’s exactly what family courts do every single day to women who have been covertly abused, manipulated, deceived, and betrayed in the most intimate way possible.

The Silent Partner Mandate

I was told to be a “good co-parent.”

What that really meant was be silent.

Smile politely. Passively sit next to the man who lied for years.

Disregard the involuntary shaking I experience when I see him.

Pretend I’m not fighting the memories of what it felt like to be intimately deceived for years.

We don’t talk enough about that kind of violation: rape by proxy of deceit.

When consent is stolen through lies, when truth is hidden behind charm and manipulation, when a partner’s betrayal is so deep it rewrites your sense of safety, that is not merely deception. It is a profound assault on the mind, body, and soul.

And then, after the discovery, after the devastation, the court calls you back to sit beside him — as if trauma can coexist with civility.

As if “the best interest of the children” is more important than the truth of their mother's experience.

What the Court Never Says Out Loud

The system rewards silence.

If you tremble, you’re emotional.

If you set boundaries, you’re high-conflict.

If you cry, you’re unstable.

No one turns to the abuser and says,

“It makes sense she doesn’t want to sit beside you — you deceived her for years.”

Instead, the burden is placed on the woman to remain calm, to perform forgiveness before her body has even stopped flinching

and

To smile across the table from the man who violated her trust and then embrace the facade that the playing field is level.

It’s not.

The Cost of Forced Proximity

Every time the court asks me to sit in the same room with my ex-husband, I’m reminded that the system doesn’t understand trauma.

It confuses politeness with healing.

It mistakes suppression for acceptance.

And it continues to perpetuate the lie that a mother who refuses to engage with her abuser is the problem — not the man who caused the harm in the first place.

What True Accountability Should Look Like

If we cared about the well-being of children, we would start by protecting their mothers from further psychological harm.

We would train mediators and judges to recognize covert abuse and the trauma of sexual deceit.

We would provide alternative settings — separate rooms, online hearings, trauma-informed procedures — instead of forcing proximity to a perpetrator and calling it “progress.”

We would stop rewarding calm, narcissistic behaviors and punishing honest, genuine emotions.

This November, I’m Asking the System to Stop Looking Away

Family court cannot continue to demand silence from women who have already been silenced enough.

I refuse to be labeled uncooperative because I choose safety.

I refuse to be called angry because I refuse proximity.

And I refuse to teach my children that peace means pretending harm never happened.

If we are serious about protecting families, we must stop asking survivors to perform placidly beside their abusers.

Real peace begins with truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.

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