Healing from Betrayal Trauma: Finding Compassion in the Faith Community
Updated: Aug 17
Most people who are hurting won't remember every word you said—but they'll never forget how safe or unseen they felt in your presence.
The Call That Changed Everything
Shortly after my D-Day (the day of discovery of deceit in my marriage), I received a call from a well-respected pastor in our church. When I saw his number pop up on my phone, I eagerly hoped, "Finally! He wants to hear my side of the story so he can have a clearer understanding of our situation." This leader was emotionally supporting my husband through the betrayal, and I felt encouraged he wanted to talk to me. Our conversation went like this:
Me: Hello?
Him: Oh, sorry. I was trying to reach your husband.
Me: I can give you his number. He's not here.
Him: Well, I've actually been meaning to call you.
Me: Really?
Him: Yes. I know there are two sides of the pancake, so I thought it might be good to get your side.
At that point, hope left, and I felt a shadow crawl into my soul because that phrase means there are two true sides of a story, instead of the one truth I knew existed.
Me: Oh. What would you like to know?
I offered him a brief, gentle version of the betrayal. He concluded our call after about ten minutes with an effervescent, "I'll keep your family in prayer, and God will take care of you."
He never called me again.
And I felt betrayed again.
The Lingering Pain of Silence
My brain got stuck for months trying to understand why he never followed up with me. I reflected repeatedly on the scripture, "Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." (1 Corinthians 13:6). I had spoken truth. What was wrong with that? Years later, I realize he didn't want to know my story. He was being "faithfully" polite.
Faith communities, idioms, and platitudes often leave the betrayed feeling dismayed and dismissed. I frequently find pastors (including pastoral counselors), Stephen Ministers, pastors' wives, and Christians in leadership positions resort to shallow statements because they don't know what else to say in extremely uncomfortable situations, including betrayal trauma and problematic sexual behavior.
Words That Wound
Saying things like the following will cause more pain to the person you are speaking to:
Just pray about it.
Time heals all wounds.
Things will get better.
It's never too late.
It could be worse.
Or anything that starts with:
At least...
If you are inclined to resort to hollow comments when someone expresses deep wounds, stop before you speak. Think about what you are trying to avoid saying. Are you responding with flippant comments to avoid your own embarrassment or discomfort? What could you say to show genuine compassion?
A Compassionate Response
What would it feel like if you responded differently?
Replace:
Just pray about it. with It might be hard to believe in God when you are experiencing such horror.
Time heals all wounds. with It must feel like it will take forever to get through this. That's overwhelming.
Things will get better. with The future must feel unpredictable.
It's never too late. with I wonder if you feel like you wasted a lot of years supporting your partner.
It could be worse. with That's awful!
At least... with nearly anything else you can think of saying.
If that guy who called me had replaced "I know there are two sides of the pancake..." with "You must be really struggling, and your story is important too," I would have felt valued and respected instead of ignored and abandoned.
The Pancake Metaphor
The real truth about the pancake metaphor is this: the batter is the same, but the chefs treat the batter with opposite objectives. My batter is the same, and it is based in scripture. How one chooses to read and honor scripture seems to be the actual issue.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
Embracing the Challenge
Faith community, you can do this. It might feel awkward, painful, and disturbing to walk with women, men, and couples experiencing problematic sexual behaviors, but God has given you the tools and the Holy Spirit to guide you well. Trust Him.
If you need help learning how to properly foster healing for couples and individuals struggling with betrayal trauma due to sexual sin, you can find more ideas HERE.
Support for those enduring betrayal trauma.
Comments