Not a Casserole Widow™: The Letter
She sent me the letter she wanted to send him. As if asking for permission.
You texted me yesterday stating, ‘I know this year has been difficult.’ Actually, no, Tom, this year has been hell. This year has brought me to a place I could never imagine I would be and would not wish it on someone I despised.
This year has been devastating, demonic, degrading, and depressing.
However, it is what I have been praying for. I have been praying for years that the Lord would give me clarity. He did answer my prayers by letting me know why you were so mean to me day after day, year after year.
I used to spend nights crying myself to sleep- not understanding what was happening. You see, while you were investing so much time hiding in your lies, you were little by little destroying my self-esteem and my perception of who I was.
Ultimately it was the Holy Spirit that kept me sort of sane and strong for our children.
Here is how my life has changed since our D-Day 5 months ago.
1. I hate sushi. It was our favorite dining experience of trying new things. Now it makes me gag.
2. I had to give away all the clothes/shoes you bought for me. When I put them on, I feel suffocated.
3. I hate fresh flowers. You always used to give them to me under the pretense of being “kind.” Now they represent deceit.
4. I hate Crest toothpaste- the only toothpaste you allowed us to use.
5. I threw away all the perfume I used to wear. It makes me wretch.
6. I sobbed when the GYN did her medical exam. I don’t feel like a woman anymore.
7. I cringe every time my phone rings with your ring tone. I have had to change it.
8. I threw away all my underwear. I should have burned them.
9. I wake up in the middle of the night, every night, haunted by you and what you have done.
10. My teeth hurt in the morning from clenching my jaws all night until I realize, with relief, you aren’t in bed with me.
I have filed for divorce.
I kept praying for a miracle. For anything that would show me you have changed. All I see is you changing your method of deception in an attempt to keep me in bondage to your games.
There is no miracle at this time.
You talk incessantly to people in hopes they will give you an ‘easy’ answer. There is no easy answer for you.
You can stop telling people I haven’t forgiven you. That is a lie. The truth is, you have not recreated trust. That is much harder than forgiveness. Trust comes with consistency and truth.
My hopes and prayers are that our divorce will offer you the time you need to focus on yourself instead of winning me over.
I stayed for the past 5 months in this marriage so you could save yourself through therapy and healing. You have chosen to try to 'save' me instead.
Therefore, I will free you.
Focus on your health and hopefully, you will become the father our children need.
Tom, I’m praying you will find peace and healing.”
Grief overcame me as I read her email. Grief for the marriage, their children, and her pain.
And yet, also relief as I see the courage she found to be strong and true to herself.
Permission granted to be free from her invisible torture and becoming what the Lord created her to be.
“On the other side of fear is FREEDOM.”
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Kim Hansen, MA-Counseling, BCC, CPC- APSATS