Loyalty: A Double-Edged Word

coachinghope4u
Aug 17
3 min read

“I’ve had to put my personal, creative writing aside until something pricks my internal core of you have to share this one. This is one of those moments.”

My Family Story of Loyalty

I have four children—three boys and a girl.

Like most siblings, the older two boys picked on each other constantly when they were little. As an only child, I couldn’t understand why two people couldn’t sit in the back seat of a car without being annoyed by another’s breathing, chewing, or simply existing.

But even in those chaotic years, I knew one thing: they had a responsibility to each other. One day, I won’t be here, and what matters most is whether they choose to show up for one another.

Over time, I’ve watched that bond transform. From silly evenings spent throwing squishy balls at each other in the hallway to choosing matching tattoos, becoming lifeguards at the same pool, and even joining the same fraternity at the same university. My boys have grown into men who embody loyalty.

Their sister has her own path, her own passions, but they’ve welcomed her in too—encouraging her to claim her place in their circle (yes, she has a female version of their tattoo). My youngest, now 14, looks up to them all, pulling from their experiences and advice (he's still on the fence about a tattoo and we are all ok with that!).

What began as rivalry has become refuge.

“Loyalty is not about sameness; it’s about turning toward each other.”

Redefining Loyalty

Too often, loyalty is misunderstood. People describe themselves as “loyal” as a reason they tolerate mistreatment or stay in unhealthy relationships.

But loyalty isn’t blind devotion. It’s not ignoring harm or silencing your own needs.

Loyalty is a two-way street. It’s not about being fake or enduring toxic behavior. It’s about honesty, accountability, and intentional care for each other’s best interests.

Even spies are loyal to a cause, to an organization, while at the same time engaging in deception and compromise. Loyalty itself is neutral. How it is applied makes all the difference.

When Loyalty Gets Twisted

Manipulative people know how to exploit loyalty. They may use:

Emotional blackmail – guilt and fear as tools of control.
Gaslighting – twisting reality until you doubt your own perceptions.
Isolation – cutting you off from other supports.
Conditional support – offering help only when it benefits them.
Exaggerated praise – using flattery to maintain allegiance.
Creating crisis – manufacturing problems only they can solve.

And in families, one of the most common manipulations is the phrase:

“But we’re family.”

When spoken in love, it means security and belonging. But in dysfunctional systems, it becomes a weapon to silence, guilt, and keep people tethered to unhealthy patterns.

This is the weaponization of loyalty.

What True Loyalty Means

As I reflect on my children’s journey, I see that true loyalty doesn’t mean sameness. It means turning toward each other, respecting differences, and still choosing to show up.

In my practice, I encourage clients to explore the values that guide their decisions like honesty, integrity, truth, and faith. But I also invite them to consider loyalty—not the counterfeit version that manipulates or traps, but the kind that flows between people who are committed to one another’s growth and well-being.