Not a Casserole Widow™: Ezer Kenegdo

"Submissive."

That word haunts me.

I was reading a journal I wrote years ago and came across a line that made me shiver. “I know I just need to do what God wants me to do in this marriage and be submissive to my husband.”

My today self wants to throw a book at me and say, "Girl! What planet are you on?" That woman was so focused on pleasing her husband, she missed the big picture.

I should have been submissive to HIS WILL: GOD’s WILL. Unfortunately, I perceived my submission to my husband was my submission to God. That feels messed up even as I'm typing it. But here's a fact: I’m pretty sure my husband was my god because I felt I had no choice. If I didn’t obey and honor and respect, a will of terror reigned in my home. I believed that if I could do what he wanted, we would be fine.

I lost me and I lost who God created me to be.

Today, I know God created me to be His Ezer Kenegdo, not a submissive wife. Let me explain.

Kristi McLelland, a professor and speaker who teaches the Bible through a Middle Eastern lens, published a study on her definition of "Ezer Kenegdo" (there are a billion reviews and articles on the web about this topic, but since this is my blog, I get to choose the one I like best!) Much of what I refer to here will be based on her perspective.

Ezer Kenegdo is how God described Eve when He created her (Gen 2:18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”- NIV). God knew it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone.

I wonder why.

Why wasn’t it good for Adam to be alone? Did God know he would get lonely? Did God think he needed a servant? A maid? A sex partner? I think God knew Adam would need a friend, a partner. A buddy to talk to and hang out with.

Someone who would enhance God's glory with him.

God created his "Ezer Kenegdo". His “suitable helper”.

Let’s dive into those 2 words: ezer and kenegdo.

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EZER

For years and years and years, our faith community translated ezer as "helper" which has led to an erroneous perception of women being little helpers- in the kitchen, in the house, as secretaries... I'm sure you can come up with a few more distinguishable jobs. However, when the word ezer is used in scripture, a mere 21 times, it refers to God helping Israel because the Israelites couldn’t do it on their own. They needed someone massive next to them to support them by providing knowledge, courage, and power. They needed ...

A WARRIOR.

When I think of a warrior, I don’t think of “helper” as passive. I think of someone standing tall with their partner, fighting for truth, safety, and honor. That woman washing dishes and producing babies is a formidable strength. She should not submit to verbal abuse or obey a faith community if they shush her from speaking her truth to protect her husband. She is...

A WARRIOR.

I’m just going to throw one verse at you where "Ezer" is used as “helper.”

Blessed are you, Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the Lord? He is your shield and “helper” (EZER) and your glorious sword. Your enemies will cower before you, and you will tread on their heights.”

Deuteronomy 33:29

This just doesn’t sound like submission to me. In fact, it sounds to me that as an "Ezer", I have been blessed with the honor of receiving the tools to protect others from enemies.

I AM A WARRIOR.

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KENEGDO

Kenegdo is used one time in the Bible in reference to Eve. It refers to one who stands in front of or opposite to. Face to face. Eye to eye. Toe to toe. She is...

GOOD ENOUGH

Can you think of how you felt when someone stood in front of you, asking you questions, holding you accountable? For me, this vision evokes memories of tall men interrogating me and scaring me into submission.

That’s not what this means. This means we, as Eves, as women, are to stand and question others, holding them accountable to growth in the Lord, and speaking our truths. It doesn't matter how tall we are or what we physically look like because we are...

GOOD ENOUGH

God used this word to let us, women, know He created us to challenge people by questioning their personal growth so they can learn what God sees in them. We have the recognition of being gifted with the approval from God to stand in front of others to reassuring them that obeying God's will is paramount to their salvation. You are...

GOOD ENOUGH

for this honor.

The women who seek my services have typically had this vision of ezer kenegdo trampled. They come to me broken but fighting to survive. What makes them keep fighting? I believe it is because they intrinsically know they are

GOOD ENOUGH WARRIORS.

A recent motto I’ve see on the internet is “you are good enough.” It never sat well with me. Just good enough? While encouraging, it felt hollow. But “good enough warrior?” Hmm. That is a completely different vision and combined with the acceptance that God created me to be that way? Well, now. That works with the feisty side of me.

Regrettably, even with the knowledge that we have been created to be a real warrior, I know many women who are part of our Biblical faith are held back by doubt, insecurities, and worry.

And that’s ok. We can find you a bigger, fancier shield or cape for protection from those unsubstantiated apprehensions. Maybe you can even put a little bling on it.

I'd love to teach my daughter she is a Good Enough Warrior.

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Kim Hansen, MA-Counseling, BCC, CPC-S, CES, CDC®