This series is about truth. This is an actual letter from a betrayed partner to her addict husband. She still had hope he would change and believed he was in a desperate place. She even had the courage to share her story with leaders of her church, men who claimed to want to help her husband. Here is her Letter to the addict:
Dear Don, I see it is time for truth with you. Your aggressive stance on whether you “deserve” to have the kids every weekend and whether you should have them for independent overnights is disconcerting to me. First, you claim to be a “humbled” man in God’s eyes, willing to accept the consequences for your past behavior, yet you insist you deserve the children every weekend. What do you think God wants? Do you think for a minute GOD is insisting that our children spend time with you alone overnight when it causes me a great deal of anxiety? I have suggested NUMEROUS times that you schedule dinner or movie dates with them, one on one, (not overnights), and you continue to ignore that recommendation. Where is GOD in our humble, respectful, and loving world you claim to be in? Let’s be frank because I will fight for the safety of our children. You have a sex addiction. You have shown me that you are indiscriminate in where you achieve sexual gratification. I learned you have had a lifetime of sexual issues 4 months ago. I do not believe you are “healed.” If you truly are sorry and you truly respect me and you truly love me and you truly want what is best for our family, you will concede to my wishes and let me continue to protect our children. It is not wise for them to be alone with you overnight. I don’t believe God would suggest it at this point and I don’t believe any of your therapists would approve and I don’t believe any of your friends from church would suggest it either. I will not be bullied anymore. The rules that you have controlled me in the past won’t work anymore. Your rules aren’t based on Biblical truth, and they aren’t based on what God wants. You quote scriptures to the kids; you read prayers to them; you force them to believe that you are the pitiful man who is so sorry for his deeds. You need to be the man God wants you to be and let your wife lead for a while. All your Facebook comments say how wonderful I am. If you believe that, you need to behave that way. This is not about what you “deserve” anymore. It is about what is right in GOD’s eyes. NOT yours and you are going to have to trust that God and I are fighting for our children’s best interests.
I am copying this to your accountability partners and the men who are counseling you at the church. They need to see all sides of you.
I’m sorry to say, none of the church support contacted her after she sent this letter to them. As a betrayed partner, already feeling lost in the trauma her brain was enduring, hopelessness flooded her. She is one of the ones currently working through a “high-conflict divorce”. I asked her what keeps her in the battle.
“I love my children more than my pride, more than my fears, more than my reputation. And even more than that, I think I would do a disservice to the God I serve if I let satan win.” If this sounds like you, would you contact us? We want to support you. Please contact CoachingHope4U or visit APSATS (The Association for Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists) for additional support.